Someone in an LDS Dating - Midsingles Facebook group posted a question recently — framed, as these things often are, as "asking for a friend." The question: would a non-Barbie figure be a deal-breaker for men in the group? Nearly 200 comments arrived before anyone could catch their breath.
The thread was honest in the way that public threads sometimes get honest — which is to say, unevenly. Some men said attraction matters but character matters more. Some said deceptive photos are the real problem. A few said they simply like what they like and God designed it that way. One woman, a breast cancer survivor in a healthy size 6, shared that she had been told she still wasn't "fit enough." That one landed quietly and stayed.
The thread also had a moment that was hard to ignore: a married woman commented to share that she had spent seven years on an LDS dating site as a self-described "big girl," got passed over initially by the man who would become her husband, persisted, and eventually married him. Some people thanked her for the perspective. Others told her she didn't belong in a singles group and should go away. She held her ground.
Scott and Laurie read all of it. Here's what we actually want to talk about.
The Question Behind the Question
Scott
The post was framed as being about body type. But the thread kept sliding toward something else: honesty. Outdated photos. Strategic angles. Filters. Height listed as 5'10" showing up in person at 5'7" in dress shoes with a small lift. Women posting pictures from ten years and forty pounds ago. Men presenting themselves as more financially stable than they are.
Both sides were calling each other out for the same behavior. And both sides were right.
Here is the thing about misrepresenting yourself in a dating profile: it doesn't protect you. It delays the moment of rejection by about forty-five minutes, and then makes the rejection worse because now there's a layer of embarrassment on top of it. The other person didn't just decide you weren't a match. They decided you weren't honest. Those are very different experiences to recover from.
If you're using photos that no longer look like you, the anxiety you feel about that is telling you something worth listening to. It's not telling you to keep using those photos. It's telling you that you don't fully believe a current version of you is worth showing up for. That belief is the actual problem. The photo is just the symptom.
Laurie
The defensive crouch in that thread was palpable. Women asking if they're enough. Men explaining the science of biological attraction to make their preferences sound inevitable. Everyone performing a little — even the people claiming they never perform.
What I kept thinking about was how many people in that group have spent decades being told their body is a temple, without being given the first useful tool for actually feeling at home in it. You can internalize "your body is sacred" and still carry profound shame about your body. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, for a lot of people in this community, the sacred framing made the shame worse. It added a spiritual dimension to what is already a tender subject.
So when someone posts "is my figure a deal-breaker," what they are really asking is something older and more aching than that. They are asking: am I enough as I actually am? And that question deserves a more honest answer than a Facebook thread can deliver.
Attraction Is Real. It's Also Not the Whole Story.
Scott
Let's say the obvious thing so we can move past it: physical attraction matters. It's part of what pulls two people toward each other. Pretending otherwise isn't honest, and this column isn't in the business of telling people what they want to hear.
But here's what the thread missed: attraction is far more individual, far more variable, and far more subject to context than the Barbie standard implies. The men in that thread could not agree on what they found attractive. One said curves. One said fitness. One said flat-out that he doesn't care about body type as long as there's no deception. One said he had spent ten years trying to convince himself looks didn't matter and then had to be honest with himself after a marriage that proved they did.
That range is real. And it means something important for women reading this: the imaginary panel of men you are auditioning for in your head is not a real panel. It is an average you have constructed from your worst fears and the most vocal voices in comment sections. The men who would be genuinely drawn to you, as you actually are, are quieter. They're not the ones flooding the thread.
Laurie
There was a comment in that thread from a woman who has done everything "right." Healthy BMI. Size 6. Cancer survivor. Active. And she's still being told she's not fit enough. I want to sit with that for a moment, because it points at something the Barbie conversation consistently misses.
There is no body that is universally acceptable to every person. That is not a tragic flaw in the system. It is how attraction actually works. It is specific. It is personal. It is not a referendum on your worth.
What I hear underneath comments like hers is the exhausting project of trying to become acceptable to people who have not yet earned the right to evaluate you. The goal was never to be attractive to everyone. The goal is to be in a room with someone who lights up when they see you. Those are completely different projects, and one of them is worth pursuing.
The Mirror Goes Both Ways
Scott
The thread had some pointed moments where women called out men for the same behavior men were criticizing in women. And they were not wrong. Listing height as two inches taller than you are. Using photos from before the pandemic and thirty pounds ago. Presenting a financial stability in your profile that your actual bank account would find amusing.
Men do this too. Everyone knows it. And the reason both genders do it is the same: they're afraid the real version of themselves won't be enough. So they lead with an edited version and hope that by the time the truth is visible, enough connection has built up to absorb the gap.
It almost never works that way. What it usually produces is a first meeting that starts with a small, uncomfortable lie sitting between two people who are already nervous. That is not a great foundation for anything.
Show up as you are. Yes, you will lose some people that way. You were going to lose them anyway. You'll just lose them faster, and save yourself several weeks of anxiety in the process.
Laurie
The married woman who commented in the thread caught some grief for being in a singles group. A couple of people told her to leave. She didn't, and I'm glad, because what she said was worth hearing.
She spent seven years on an LDS dating site. She described herself as a big woman with immense baggage. The man who became her husband initially passed on her. She kept going. She loosened some of her rigid profile criteria the week before they connected. They dated for nearly three years and have been married for six.
She said something that I think the thread mostly deflected: attitude and perspective are everything. Not in a toxic-positivity way. In a real, this-is-how-it-actually-works way. The bitterness that was seeping through some of the comments in that thread is understandable. It is also doing damage to the people carrying it. Bitterness convinces you that the verdict is already in. It isn't.
What Your Profile Is Actually Saying
Scott
Your dating profile is not just a collection of photos and bullet points. It is the story you are telling about how you feel about yourself. People pick that up faster than you think.
A profile full of group photos where you're hard to identify, selfies from flattering angles only, and pictures clearly taken several years ago is telling a story. It's saying: I am not confident enough in who I currently am to show you clearly. That story is more of a turn-off than the actual body underneath it.
A profile with a recent, clear, reasonably lit photo of your actual face — and ideally something that shows your body in a natural, non-strategic way — is telling a different story. It says: this is me. Take it or leave it. That is quietly magnetic in a world full of people performing.
You don't have to be a Barbie. You do have to be honest. Those are the actual terms.
Laurie
And on the receiving end: if someone shows up to a date and looks meaningfully different from their photos, you are allowed to feel disappointed about that. The disappointment is legitimate. What you do with it is where character comes in.
You don't owe anyone a second date. You don't owe anyone a pretend connection. But you also don't have to be cruel about it. The person across the table from you, who showed up with their outdated photo and their ten-year-old story, is a human being who is probably terrified. They deserve to be treated with basic dignity even if they are not a match.
What you can do is learn from it. If you find yourself consistently disappointed by the gap between profile and reality, that gap is information. It may be time to have an honest conversation with yourself about what signals you are putting out that invite the performance.
You Are Not Auditioning for Everyone
Laurie
Here is what I want to leave with you, and I mean this for the women in the thread most directly, though it applies to everyone.
You are not trying to be acceptable to the entire pool. You are trying to find one person — maybe two or three people to date, one person to build something with. That person exists. And that person is not sitting in the comment section of a Facebook thread telling you your size 6 figure isn't enough. That person is out there wondering if they're enough too.
The work is not to shrink yourself into a shape that produces the least rejection. The work is to become more yourself, more honest, more visible — so that the right person can actually find you. Hiding behind a flattering filter or a ten-year-old photo does not protect you. It hides you. And you cannot be found if you are hidden.
Your body has carried you through decades of hard things. It is not a liability you need to apologize for. It is yours. Show up in it honestly, and trust that the person worth finding will be glad you did.
And when you are ready to go deeper, we will be here.
— Scott & Laurie
Weighing in from the lowest tier of the Celestial Kingdom, where we've learned that the best version of your profile photo is just your actual face — and the best version of your life is just your actual life.